I
don’t even know why I bother. I can’t seem to deprogram myself. I keep
expecting things and then I quickly remember that that’s a no-no. I shouldn’t
expect things from people because I wouldn’t want anyone to expect anything
from me. In fact, I don’t want anyone expecting anything from me unless you
employ me and I signed some sort of contract. Now we are both in compliance and
both should understand what is expected of me.
However,
with no hint of a sealed fate, I can’t say I’ll do it. I basically want to be
treated the way I treat others. Is that a crime? Probably, this is America and
people will find a way to stone you and justify the crusade against you if something
you do offends them. Expectations have been the death of me lately because I
keep slipping back into that frame of mind. I blame all of my problems on
social learning. This fucking society and having to learn about it has been the
worst thing that has ever happened to me.
I
hate the codes we live by and the guilt trips I get anytime I go against the grain.
I hate the fact that you’ll burn more bridges or burn in hell (there’s always
burning in hell) just by being misunderstood. I get swept up into the trap of our oh-so
honorable system of expectations that I’m constantly disappointed in others and
myself (the shame! the horrrooooorrr!) Then I snap out of it and remember to
just, “stop with the expectations and shit,” – Unknown.
It’s all a set up. Having expectations is a
set up for a miserable, depressing, face full of tears life. Don’t let anyone
tell you any different. It’s a trap. Okay, great, hold people accountable.
Accountability: prove to me you’re
serious about whatever it is that is expected of you, prove to me your love,
prove to me you care, prove to me you’ll be there, prove to me so I can prove
to you what can prove to me– accountability. Listen, where is the contract,
where is the compensation, where is the meaning of it all because that’s what
this country has conditioned me to think about – the money and motive.
Is
it the integrity part? Is that what is trying to be upheld here? Well what if, just what if, without assuming
those things still won’t be in tact despite me not meeting expectations I did
still uphold the integrity. I guess it’s because I’m so cool about it and
understand the ridiculousness of its extremity. In fact, sometimes I come off
as meek and docile when really it’s the depth of my understanding of a lot of
things that put me on the offense.
Once
you understand something it isn’t a problem. Problems come by way of not understanding.
I do. That reflects in the way I handle things and my character. I can’t ask
for someone to be like me. I can only explain where I’m coming from and hope to
be understood. No more getting pumped up to be let down. If I want to do
something I will. If I don’t want to I won’t. That should go the same for those
around me. That’s how anyone can truly be themselves honestly and openly and
not be condemned for it.
Without
expectations no one would do anything? Is that what you’re asking me? I don’t
know. We haven’t gotten that far as a people consciously to truly really know.
Without accountability no one will do anything? Is that what you think? I don’t
know. We may never know. No one is forgiving enough, patient enough. Everything
in the world depends on the absence and presence of something to validate its
existence. We increase or decrease our value to others in this respect. It’s a
science. My advice is to find something that makes you laugh, grab your
favorite book, and live.