Most of my “would be scripts” I just
end up turning into a blog. I start off with a really good thought, and then it’s,
“Eh, this will be better for the people right now.” Ironically, however, I am
having a hard time with “…the people right now” part. As of lately, when most people
look into my eyes I can feel a sense of unease about them.
Rightfully so, as we talk to each
other my stare is at its lowest, my eyes are hazy and glassy, and I am unfocused
seemingly; uncertain if it is apathy or if I am just so far out of my comfort
zone these days that I quite possibly may not be myself; I feel like I am
literally not really in the body the person I am talking to is looking at. Do
you ever feel like that? Do you ever undergo so much change in such a short
period of time that it makes your eyes gloss over and you do not absorb the
moment as you talk to people?
The experience is uncontrollably
blatant and zombie like; visibly showcasing my detachment; there is no true
connection in the conversation; hence, the reciprocates unease. Therefore the “…this
will be better for” part needs reevaluation. How does one really know what is
better for someone anyway. I will say instead, this will be better for my own
personal insight; the “would be script” that just ends up turning into a blog
is for my own personal therapy.
I am constantly thinking about
the people but sometimes find it hard to be among the people. So I start to
second guess my desire, “Well this does not make sense. If at times I cannot be among people then who am I doing this
for? Why am I doing this?” I get in my car one day after work and start
talking to myself mentally while in complete silence; going over and over the “who”
and “why”. I stop at an intersection and I am the first one at the red light. I
start watching something in the distance very distinctly:
Two young boys under the age of
10 years old it looks like, with uniforms on, and backpacks over their shoulders
are at the busy intersection after school. One is pushing on the button in the
middle of the street pole to change the light while the other is carelessly and
slowly inching towards the edge of the sidewalk where oncoming traffic is
unforgiving and upon them. The smaller one, the one who is also mashing the button
for the light to turn red, out of the corner of his eye notices the other kid
swaying towards the edge of the sidewalk. With less than a tip toe left until
he is into the street the smaller kid instinctively and calmly takes his left
hand and gently lays it on the other kid’s chest, and guides the other kid by
the chest closer to the pole and off of the edge. The kid that was once on the
edge appears to think nothing of it.
As I see this subtle act of valor
by this young boy I think about how pure, clean, and uncut instincts are; how
certain instillation of greatness within us will become us, how the smaller young boy must
have to do that all the time with his buddy, and most importantly how no matter
what, people/things will end up where they should be to keep us going. Actively
noticing and paying attention to your surroundings can presently clarify things
for you. It is odd; very odd how that works. In an extreme way, it is as if we
all have supernatural powers. It is as if we all have a sixth sense. We do. Most
people, however, do not tap into their power and do not care to. There is no
noticing; there is no paying attention.
Watching that scene between these
two boys inadvertently gives me my “who” and “why” back. Making things make
sense again; simply by observing.
Instances like this give me zest.
Zest, meaning: You ever get that temporary feeling of total fulfillment in one
moment? One moment indulgently gives you pure, silky joy? Maybe it is the
moment you are cruising, with heightened senses, around the city; listening to
music and every stanza is so pivotal; so memorable; so relate-able. Or, maybe it
is the moment you think back over your past and see flashbacks of posted notes
that say, “Last call for…” deadlines or flashbacks of bulletin boards with
clutters of to-do lists and checklists; you honestly can remember nothing but
goals, goals, goals. Then you snap out of your memory, refocus your eyes, look
up at yourself and see progression; accomplishment; the result of taking things
a little at a time and doing what you felt like doing.
As the light turns green I shout
in my head, “Yes! I see now! The 'who' is myself and the 'why' is because it makes me happy.” This is how I perceive it nonetheless.
Do not give up on your desire (dreams)
or even try to make it make sense. You will get there and it will make sense, with
little doses of zest along the way. For the ones who do not really care to
understand this or for those who do not really care to tap into their sixth
sense I will leave you with some food for thought. Aristotle says plot
determines character but I believe the character (who you are) determines the
plot (what you plan on accomplishing).
In the script world, having a characterless
and plot-less story is meaningless and there is no fulfillment. In this world, having
a characterless and plot-less story is meaningless and there is no fulfillment.
Embrace yourself. Not observing or absorbing is detrimental, and being a people-pleaser is rough - you will end up with no character or no real direction. So let
what enlightens you be the difference between you feeling dead or alive, and the
difference between you figuring out the “who” and “why”.
Sometimes you find your own truth when you don't stick to the script.