Again, Who Am I Kidding?

I have respect for your time so I’ll make it quick.

It’s strange. The more I create and try to follow my dreams the more I sense this imaginary person sitting next to me giving me the side eye. What is that about? Oh great – it’s not enough that folks who physically exist give me the side eye, but now my hyperactive imagination wants a piece of the pie too – son of a b****. I wake up, get the courage to do and grow, and each bold step I take somehow only comes off as this risky, stupid, ugly business that is only ruining my reputation as a competent human being.  I love it.

Is it just me or does walking this nonlinear line we call life everyday sometimes have you feeling like you want to brush your face and wash your teeth in the morning instead? Oh it does? Good! That’s right – we’re all f***** up. However, I have a solution to this. After all, “I’ve observed that life never presents us with an unsolvable problem. The solution may humble us or require us to do things that we’ve never done before, but there is always a solution.” – Psychology of Wealth

All of the ups and downs and ins and outs I have should be charged to the game. I’m going to charge each and every hour to the damn game – my hours of mastery that is. I read that it takes 10,000 hours to master something (go look it up lazy pants!) So for me it doesn’t matter; a book read, a word spoken, a sentence written, or a conversation had – I’m charging it. As I jam Kendrick Lamar, hoist my little sails, eat my oreos, and start moving forward through these turbulent, uncharted territories I will try to remember these words:

“You don’t have to be afraid to take a risk. You just have to be prepared to do the work.” – Psychology of Wealth

“You have to just march into your fear. Oh-well, everyday just march on in there.” – The War of Art

“There are no accidents; there is only some purpose that we haven’t yet understood.” – The Psychology of Wealth

“Your work will inevitably be the timeless communicating to the time bound” – The War of Art. It is fundamental that you continue to be authentic, vulnerable, and courageous for this reason because the cycle must redeem itself and continue.

…And now I’m just writing a bunch of quotes. I should have started a quote blog not a blog for creative thoughts. Nonetheless, consciously invest in yourself no matter how you are perceived by others, no matter how bleak it may seem, no matter what look the imaginary bum is giving you, and no matter the circumstances. 70 % or more of our thoughts are negative and redundant. Be audacious for change. Start mastering.  

It's Sort of Magic Really

Job 5:19

What is my strength so that I should wait?

And what is my end, that I should be patient?

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After taking a swig of water from my glass bottle I place it gently back on the table I’m working on, and sink a little further into my chair. As I sit here listening to a music artist named Common through my sleek ear buds that I have to constantly readjust in my ear, I can’t help but stare at the hobo across the street. Oh great, herein lies the beginning of this afternoon’s many distractions. It’s so hot and steamy out right now that the droplets of sweat creeping down my back are truly just getting started I’m sure. This is all worth it though. Getting fresh air outside of my favorite coffee shop is a viable alternative compared to eating fruit snacks and sitting in the bed trying to do work while dozing off every 15 minutes. I realize how comfortable I feel in this environment. The occasional cool breeze feels good on my skin, this oak tree above me is the biggest natural umbrella I have ever seen, and I could not be more content than I am right now because I am home. I am in a space I am used to that speaks to me. A space that makes me feel more of who I am which breeds implicit greatness. I think anyway.

I stare at the grass to the left of me and then back at the glass bottle on the table.

After staring I somehow muster up the strength to criticize my own work again: the stuff I write is boring. It’s the same stuff said in different ways. I am so sick of realizing that and coming to that inevitable conclusion. What is it going to take? A new wine? A nasty fight? A car accident? Great food? A good movie? Starting a family! What!?

The saxophones in this song are so soothing. It is literally massaging my brain. I stare again at the glass bottle.

To spice things up I want to take something simple like a regular day, a regular hour, a regular moment, or a regular thought and expand on it. Elaborate it a little but keep the essence of it there and capture the feeling of it so that there is a universal connection. Oh that’s been done before? Typical? No shit Sherlock? Fine, I don’t really have an angle or a gimmick or something unique to tell these days really. This cookie cutter thing is just not working for me and by “cookie cutter thing” I mean the way I am supposed to tell a story – how if I tell it the way I am “supposed” to tell it, it will make sense to you. The truth is nothing makes sense. LIFE DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. The moment it all finally comes full circle or tenfold you’re dead, let’s just be honest. So why, why I am forced to tell stories that should make sense? That couldn’t be further from the truth. It should be unethical really, and we’ve been told all of our lives that there is a linear way to say things, a certain way everything should eventually come across. Anne Lamott wrote, “Rationality squeezes out much that is rich and juicy and fascinating.” Thank you Anne – sheesh!

I readjust my headphones again and stare at the glass bottle on the table.

I read that identifying with others helps you better identify with yourself. I agree with that truly and I can comfortably make this statement because the more I read and listen to the voice of a lot of these authors that started out similarly, they either push me closer to who I am, validate who I am, or validate who or what I’m not and this is nothing short of genius.

“Writing is about hypnotizing yourself into believing in yourself, getting some work done, then unhypnotizing yourself and going over the material coldly.” – Anne Lamott

What’s a good spot for you these days that puts you in your element, makes you comfortable as if you could stay there all day, and lets you really get a chance to think about your life, work, and dreams? What about a place that will help make you produce your best work? A good way to figure things out for yourself, whether it is to try to push out something great within you, to make things make sense, to second guess things, or whether it is trying to identify with others, is to ask questions – sort of like Job did. Go to whatever place that is home for you, relax, and ask what your heart desires, reflect, see what speaks to you, and go forward from there. Maybe drink some water from a glass bottle while you’re at it – a glass bottle you can stare at helps.

Success is What You Make It

What’s the difference between your struggle and mine? Yours is greater? No mine is. Who is to say what constitutes the hierarchy? What are the requirements for, “yours is greater than mine?” If one does really feel one’s fight is greater than the other, speak up. Tell me why, why is it greater? Yes! Go on, tell me why, I will listen.

What I’ve come to realize specifically, is that your struggle in life and my struggle in life are the same. Our life’s struggle boils down to similar properties, similar motives, and similar universal themes. We are not so different. This matters because although we are not so different, I find it hard to understand other people sometimes, for reasons short lived, however the questions remain, “Wow! What conviction and stamina how do they steadfast, what do they see that I don’t that landed them in the struggle upon them, or lastly, what did they miss that I didn’t miss that landed me in mine?”

No matter the circumstance, we are all living to die. Toiling becomes, boring, predictable, and agonizing because we are aware of the outcome; inescapably so, you will be amidst tough times one way or another. It is safe to say you are here to see what you can make out of yourself, out of your family, out of your struggle; to see if what you have been given to face your path will be used accordingly. In your own way you face your very own big or small unique battle and so do I. I would like mine to inspire yours and yours mine. This is how we will make it through; this is how our struggle will become worth it, manageable, attainable; inspiration.

It can be death gripping, it can be transcending. The formula for recreating this feeling should be heavily spread across all daily spectrum and once recreated orally ingested. As I lounge here typing, listening to Tycho:

http://youtu.be/Z6ih1aKeETk  

I can’t help but to be in awe of the indescribable feeling even this is giving me; permission to drift and perceive thoughts in a different way, maybe a more clear way so that I can intuitively and fiercely face my minute, hour, or day with confidence. Inspiration is very spiritual like. I believe this because you literally can get it from anywhere at any time; considerably omnipotent. There is a quick surge of depth and empathy that rushes through your brain and body; heaven sent. It is all of a sudden a third eye, it is mind boggling. Imagine walking around your entire life with the facade of having power, believing you actually have real power and you really don’t have the slightest inkling of the real thing, real power, and then, unexpectedly, one day, out of nowhere, you get hit with an extreme dose of it; one day out of nowhere you feel a jolt. One day out of nowhere you for the first time actually experience real power. Fat tears stream down your face, you don’t blink, in fact you don’t blink for so long that your eyes burn from the dryness, your mouth drops as wide as it has ever been, and it too dries up, none of which you can actually feel. All you feel is real power. All you feel is transcending.

And to think that explanation of the feeling would help but it doesn’t so bear with me…

Breath taking, charges of intense emotions, tingling sensations, you were once moving but now you are at a standstill; you are in deep thought; you are inspired. This feeling is somewhat a bit of a drug, an irresistible lure that sucks you in more than real love does. The experience is so potent that it forces you to recreate it; it forces you to act, move, do, and be more of who you are supposed to be, face your path fearlessly.

I have dreams that we will have to stand in line to get it, but in reality we don't, in reality we are the same. As I wake up day to day to face daily routine, daily responsibilities, to face my daily significant struggle, I remember that you are facing your very own big or small unique battle as well. I would like mine to inspire yours and yours mine. This is how we will make it through; this is how our struggle will become worth it, manageable, attainable.

Inspiration.