Expectations

I don’t even know why I bother. I can’t seem to deprogram myself. I keep expecting things and then I quickly remember that that’s a no-no. I shouldn’t expect things from people because I wouldn’t want anyone to expect anything from me. In fact, I don’t want anyone expecting anything from me unless you employ me and I signed some sort of contract. Now we are both in compliance and both should understand what is expected of me.

However, with no hint of a sealed fate, I can’t say I’ll do it. I basically want to be treated the way I treat others. Is that a crime? Probably, this is America and people will find a way to stone you and justify the crusade against you if something you do offends them. Expectations have been the death of me lately because I keep slipping back into that frame of mind. I blame all of my problems on social learning. This fucking society and having to learn about it has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

I hate the codes we live by and the guilt trips I get anytime I go against the grain. I hate the fact that you’ll burn more bridges or burn in hell (there’s always burning in hell) just by being misunderstood.  I get swept up into the trap of our oh-so honorable system of expectations that I’m constantly disappointed in others and myself (the shame! the horrrooooorrr!) Then I snap out of it and remember to just, “stop with the expectations and shit,” – Unknown.

It’s all a set up. Having expectations is a set up for a miserable, depressing, face full of tears life. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. It’s a trap. Okay, great, hold people accountable. Accountability:  prove to me you’re serious about whatever it is that is expected of you, prove to me your love, prove to me you care, prove to me you’ll be there, prove to me so I can prove to you what can prove to me– accountability. Listen, where is the contract, where is the compensation, where is the meaning of it all because that’s what this country has conditioned me to think about – the money and motive.

Is it the integrity part? Is that what is trying to be upheld here?  Well what if, just what if, without assuming those things still won’t be in tact despite me not meeting expectations I did still uphold the integrity. I guess it’s because I’m so cool about it and understand the ridiculousness of its extremity. In fact, sometimes I come off as meek and docile when really it’s the depth of my understanding of a lot of things that put me on the offense.

Once you understand something it isn’t a problem. Problems come by way of not understanding. I do. That reflects in the way I handle things and my character. I can’t ask for someone to be like me. I can only explain where I’m coming from and hope to be understood. No more getting pumped up to be let down. If I want to do something I will. If I don’t want to I won’t. That should go the same for those around me. That’s how anyone can truly be themselves honestly and openly and not be condemned for it.

Without expectations no one would do anything? Is that what you’re asking me? I don’t know. We haven’t gotten that far as a people consciously to truly really know. Without accountability no one will do anything? Is that what you think? I don’t know. We may never know. No one is forgiving enough, patient enough. Everything in the world depends on the absence and presence of something to validate its existence. We increase or decrease our value to others in this respect. It’s a science. My advice is to find something that makes you laugh, grab your favorite book, and live. 

Cultivate Your Passion

My ultimate goal is to write, direct, and produce independent film. With that I say:

This line of work, or any unconventional line of work, requires encouragement, intense encouragement, heart-felt and meaningful, as if someone does actually believe in you, self-motivation, and did I mention encouragement? Conviction will be felt in this line of work and you will feel condemned by this line of work, as if to say, “Nothing else in life will be to my satisfaction if I don’t do this. I won’t be happy.”

In this line of work, the DNA to a great  story/film consists of your ability to effectively write; can I clearly and effectively tell a story? Or am I just really good at rambling meaninglessly? Writing comes to me in bits and pieces. I jot one thought down, think for a bit, pick up something inspiring, and jump to the next thought; praying that it will all make sense in the end; that it will be powerful in all literary aspects and thought provoking.

A clear voice of your own is the key to writing or becoming the essence that you are. An authentic voice, distinctive, bold; simply, your voice must speak to others; I try to be crisp and comprehensible; telling my story with intent. I want you to know exactly how I got to this place, and how you can get here too if desirable. Through writing, I want to leave a path behind me so enormous that this will be the next wave of greatness; the next revolution; the next mark of progression; a unique story like none of the rest that can still inspire and invoke prominence.

I can hear my inner critic heckling now, “Slow down, you’re almost 30. Be content with mediocrity." No. No. No, I just can’t. I have to try. Luckily, in this line of work there is no step by step process I must go by, it is merely sticking to what I do best- checking for inspiration, checking for inspiration, observing, and seeking the type of imagination that is soul perpetuating as I choose my words, verbs, and actions wisely or with hope they choose me. Don’t be boring they say. What is there left to innovate? What is there left to speak? INDEPENDENCE; building up thinkers, creating a belief in a cultural renaissance strong enough to actually make it happen; all through the vessel of words and imagery.

As the brief but hopefully stimulating above paragraphs resonate, I want to leave on this note, a tribute to Austin. It is probably why I am so compelled to pursue these cravings. There is creative energy in the city of Austin that can be mistaken for laziness. I have come to that conclusion today. Having lived in two separate cities and seeing the level of work ethic between the two, today I deciphered this: People in Austin seem lazy but really are creative, really are thinkers; exerting the least amount of energy and experiencing the most amount of life. Austinites take their time. Austinites do it the way they want to do it; when, where, and how they want to do it, therefore deep rooting the uniqueness. It will stay forever different and “weird” because of that. True free spirits.