Job 5:19
What is my strength so that I should wait?
And what is my end, that I should be patient?
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After taking a swig of water from my glass bottle I
place it gently back on the table I’m working on, and sink a little further
into my chair. As I sit here listening to a music artist named Common through my
sleek ear buds that I have to constantly readjust in my ear, I can’t help but
stare at the hobo across the street. Oh great, herein lies the beginning of
this afternoon’s many distractions. It’s so hot and steamy out right now that the
droplets of sweat creeping down my back are truly just getting started I’m
sure. This is all worth it though. Getting fresh air outside of my favorite
coffee shop is a viable alternative compared to eating fruit snacks and sitting
in the bed trying to do work while dozing off every 15 minutes. I realize how
comfortable I feel in this environment. The occasional cool breeze feels good
on my skin, this oak tree above me is the biggest natural umbrella I have ever
seen, and I could not be more content than I am right now because I am home. I am
in a space I am used to that speaks to me. A space that makes me feel more of
who I am which breeds implicit greatness. I think anyway.
I stare at the grass to the left of me and then
back at the glass bottle on the table.
After staring I somehow muster up the strength to
criticize my own work again: the stuff I write is boring. It’s the same stuff
said in different ways. I am so sick of realizing that and coming to that inevitable
conclusion. What is it going to take? A new wine? A nasty fight? A car
accident? Great food? A good movie? Starting a family! What!?
The saxophones in this song are so soothing. It is
literally massaging my brain. I stare again at the glass bottle.
To spice things up I want to take something simple like a regular day, a regular hour, a regular moment, or a regular thought and
expand on it. Elaborate it a little but keep the essence of it there and
capture the feeling of it so that there is a universal connection. Oh that’s
been done before? Typical? No shit Sherlock? Fine, I don’t really have an angle
or a gimmick or something unique to tell these days really. This cookie cutter
thing is just not working for me and by “cookie cutter thing” I mean the way I
am supposed to tell a story – how if I tell it the way I am “supposed” to tell
it, it will make sense to you. The truth is nothing makes sense. LIFE DOES NOT
MAKE SENSE. The moment it all finally comes full circle or tenfold you’re dead,
let’s just be honest. So why, why I am forced to tell stories that should make
sense? That couldn’t be further from the truth. It should be unethical really,
and we’ve been told all of our lives that there is a linear way to say things,
a certain way everything should eventually come across. Anne Lamott wrote, “Rationality
squeezes out much that is rich and juicy and fascinating.” Thank you Anne –
sheesh!
I readjust my headphones again
and stare at the glass bottle on the table.
I read that identifying with
others helps you better identify with yourself. I agree with that truly and I
can comfortably make this statement because the more I read and listen to the
voice of a lot of these authors that started out similarly, they either push me
closer to who I am, validate who I am, or validate who or what I’m not and this
is nothing short of genius.
“Writing is about hypnotizing
yourself into believing in yourself, getting some work done, then unhypnotizing
yourself and going over the material coldly.” – Anne Lamott
What’s a good spot for you these
days that puts you in your element, makes you comfortable as if you could stay
there all day, and lets you really get a chance to think about your life, work,
and dreams? What about a place that will help make you produce your best work? A
good way to figure things out for yourself, whether it is to try to push out
something great within you, to make things make sense, to second guess things, or
whether it is trying to identify with others, is to ask questions – sort of
like Job did. Go to whatever place that is home for you, relax, and ask what
your heart desires, reflect, see what speaks to you, and go forward from there.
Maybe drink some water from a glass bottle while you’re at it – a glass bottle
you can stare at helps.