Uninspired to write lately and I’m not really sure
why. Going back and forth between thinking I’m running out of instinct, I’m
running out of writing juice, or maybe this is just not for me. The more I go out
and really live and take life by the horns so to speak the more I come up empty
handed on paper. Funny thing is, the exact opposite should happen - according
to, you know, what “people” say. Captivating sights and sounds, having fun, practically
forcing, no, giving myself an excuse to have a reason to write. Recent experiences
have been one in a million. Recent memory recall is, should be worthy of some
sort of revelation, or some sort of spark to get the flame going, the wheels
turning, the deep thoughts brewing. To no avail; I wonder why. I wondered why and then the funniest word ran across
the lens of my very closed, very shut, eye lids one night. Guess that was my intuition
finally clocking back in for its shift.
The word I see is acceptance.
It doesn’t make sense to me at first so I disregard it only to feel aware of one main principle that I promised myself to never ignore: respect your urges (in this case the urge is to pay attention to what my gut is trying to tell me)
I keep thinking about this word. It interests me now.
Acceptance? Hmmmm (my eyes keep shifting while squinting
from one point of the room to the next) I see - feeling stuck, dull, or truly uninspired
is okay! It doesn’t really matter! I realized I need to accept that about this
time and this space right now and that when it is time to be filled with what I
need to speak or write it will come. It will be there. Growing to learn that staying
an open vessel for the good and the bad things in life is the best thing you
could ever do because it opens you up and teaches you who you are. I have to be
susceptible to things that I don’t like, the things that I do, the things that
I don’t condone, the things that I do, dark feelings, happy feelings, feelings
of regret, feelings of no regret, remorse, confusion, guilt, defeat, joy,
happiness, hope, any of that, and all of that I have to be susceptible to as a
writer because it gives me that voice. My truth in that moment, if I accept it
instead of fight it, will help me understand it, which will entice me to write
on it, thus enabling me to speak to someone else’s heart or situation. It’s
sort of my duty to go through it and then try to accept it. One must have a
third eye maybe even a forth when going through things and having to make
certain decisions – I can’t say “oh I shouldn’t have made that decision”
because I will be subjecting myself to shutting a part of me down that should
be wide open. Now that I have made that decision there will be this urge to
capture it on paper. It is my duty as writer. I have to go with it.
Something else heavily dawns on me after figuring
this much out, and that is that this word doesn’t just apply to your self assessment
it applies to those around you as well. All most people want is for you to see
what they see in themselves, for you to hear what they hear when they are
talking, for you to get what they mean the first time, for you to accept them.
The disappointing nature they may have accidentally or on purpose, the fact that
they’re always late, or they’re nature to tell you up to just about everything
but not everything. Whether they’re always asking questions, or always upbeat,
whether they’re super optimistic or super pessimistic or always have to be the
life of the party. Let them be them, why can’t we just accept? Accept, love,
encourage more of themselves, and ungrudgingly, without judgment, watch them
live their lives and smile. How beautiful they are. How happy we are that they’re
alive, that they exist. Here, whether people will ever see or not, for a
significant reason.
One can only hope you will at least accept that.
One can only hope you will at least accept that.