Expectations

I don’t even know why I bother. I can’t seem to deprogram myself. I keep expecting things and then I quickly remember that that’s a no-no. I shouldn’t expect things from people because I wouldn’t want anyone to expect anything from me. In fact, I don’t want anyone expecting anything from me unless you employ me and I signed some sort of contract. Now we are both in compliance and both should understand what is expected of me.

However, with no hint of a sealed fate, I can’t say I’ll do it. I basically want to be treated the way I treat others. Is that a crime? Probably, this is America and people will find a way to stone you and justify the crusade against you if something you do offends them. Expectations have been the death of me lately because I keep slipping back into that frame of mind. I blame all of my problems on social learning. This fucking society and having to learn about it has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

I hate the codes we live by and the guilt trips I get anytime I go against the grain. I hate the fact that you’ll burn more bridges or burn in hell (there’s always burning in hell) just by being misunderstood.  I get swept up into the trap of our oh-so honorable system of expectations that I’m constantly disappointed in others and myself (the shame! the horrrooooorrr!) Then I snap out of it and remember to just, “stop with the expectations and shit,” – Unknown.

It’s all a set up. Having expectations is a set up for a miserable, depressing, face full of tears life. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. It’s a trap. Okay, great, hold people accountable. Accountability:  prove to me you’re serious about whatever it is that is expected of you, prove to me your love, prove to me you care, prove to me you’ll be there, prove to me so I can prove to you what can prove to me– accountability. Listen, where is the contract, where is the compensation, where is the meaning of it all because that’s what this country has conditioned me to think about – the money and motive.

Is it the integrity part? Is that what is trying to be upheld here?  Well what if, just what if, without assuming those things still won’t be in tact despite me not meeting expectations I did still uphold the integrity. I guess it’s because I’m so cool about it and understand the ridiculousness of its extremity. In fact, sometimes I come off as meek and docile when really it’s the depth of my understanding of a lot of things that put me on the offense.

Once you understand something it isn’t a problem. Problems come by way of not understanding. I do. That reflects in the way I handle things and my character. I can’t ask for someone to be like me. I can only explain where I’m coming from and hope to be understood. No more getting pumped up to be let down. If I want to do something I will. If I don’t want to I won’t. That should go the same for those around me. That’s how anyone can truly be themselves honestly and openly and not be condemned for it.

Without expectations no one would do anything? Is that what you’re asking me? I don’t know. We haven’t gotten that far as a people consciously to truly really know. Without accountability no one will do anything? Is that what you think? I don’t know. We may never know. No one is forgiving enough, patient enough. Everything in the world depends on the absence and presence of something to validate its existence. We increase or decrease our value to others in this respect. It’s a science. My advice is to find something that makes you laugh, grab your favorite book, and live. 

Again, Who Am I Kidding?

I have respect for your time so I’ll make it quick.

It’s strange. The more I create and try to follow my dreams the more I sense this imaginary person sitting next to me giving me the side eye. What is that about? Oh great – it’s not enough that folks who physically exist give me the side eye, but now my hyperactive imagination wants a piece of the pie too – son of a b****. I wake up, get the courage to do and grow, and each bold step I take somehow only comes off as this risky, stupid, ugly business that is only ruining my reputation as a competent human being.  I love it.

Is it just me or does walking this nonlinear line we call life everyday sometimes have you feeling like you want to brush your face and wash your teeth in the morning instead? Oh it does? Good! That’s right – we’re all f***** up. However, I have a solution to this. After all, “I’ve observed that life never presents us with an unsolvable problem. The solution may humble us or require us to do things that we’ve never done before, but there is always a solution.” – Psychology of Wealth

All of the ups and downs and ins and outs I have should be charged to the game. I’m going to charge each and every hour to the damn game – my hours of mastery that is. I read that it takes 10,000 hours to master something (go look it up lazy pants!) So for me it doesn’t matter; a book read, a word spoken, a sentence written, or a conversation had – I’m charging it. As I jam Kendrick Lamar, hoist my little sails, eat my oreos, and start moving forward through these turbulent, uncharted territories I will try to remember these words:

“You don’t have to be afraid to take a risk. You just have to be prepared to do the work.” – Psychology of Wealth

“You have to just march into your fear. Oh-well, everyday just march on in there.” – The War of Art

“There are no accidents; there is only some purpose that we haven’t yet understood.” – The Psychology of Wealth

“Your work will inevitably be the timeless communicating to the time bound” – The War of Art. It is fundamental that you continue to be authentic, vulnerable, and courageous for this reason because the cycle must redeem itself and continue.

…And now I’m just writing a bunch of quotes. I should have started a quote blog not a blog for creative thoughts. Nonetheless, consciously invest in yourself no matter how you are perceived by others, no matter how bleak it may seem, no matter what look the imaginary bum is giving you, and no matter the circumstances. 70 % or more of our thoughts are negative and redundant. Be audacious for change. Start mastering.  

Enough

You don’t show it. You don’t do it. You don’t see them. You don’t see him. You don’t see her. You don’t say it. You don’t call. You don’t speak up. You don’t preach it. You don’t teach it. You don’t play it. You don’t ask it. You don’t read it. You don’t practice it. You don’t watch it. You don’t wear it. You don’t have it. You don’t make it. You don’t use it. You don’t write it. You aren’t doing.

Where's the list of what I’ve done. What I do. Where’s that list? Where’s the list of how I’ve been and what I’ve said. When I’ve showed it and when I saw? When I spoke up and when I preached? When I taught and when I read? When I practiced and when I played? When I watched and when I made? When I helped and when I shared? When I wore it and when I had it? When I used it and when I called? When I wrote? What I did do?

No one lives for the positive moments. No one even lives for the moment. We are too busy worrying about the lack there of; the times when something didn't happen instead of the times something did. Instead of holding onto that moment and letting that be the classic standard and overriding thought, instead of realizing that that good moment did happen, we revel in disparaging thoughts of things we feel are not enough. As supreme beings, we think very limited and we shouldn't - we are SUPREME. Unfortunately, we are supreme beings with no idea how to unlock the true, raw, and real potential in ourselves. We conceptualize the negative. We conceptualize the very opposite of what we are supposed to live for: greatness. When you start to openly magnify small instances of love and appreciation as they come forth spontaneously I believe that is when you truly do understand more than just the basics; when you truly do understand that it is enough.

"His insight refines him." - Ralph Waldo Emerson. 

 

Additional 2 cents

Uninspired to write lately and I’m not really sure why. Going back and forth between thinking I’m running out of instinct, I’m running out of writing juice, or maybe this is just not for me. The more I go out and really live and take life by the horns so to speak the more I come up empty handed on paper. Funny thing is, the exact opposite should happen - according to, you know, what “people” say. Captivating sights and sounds, having fun, practically forcing, no, giving myself an excuse to have a reason to write. Recent experiences have been one in a million. Recent memory recall is, should be worthy of some sort of revelation, or some sort of spark to get the flame going, the wheels turning, the deep thoughts brewing. To no avail; I wonder why.  I wondered why and then the funniest word ran across the lens of my very closed, very shut, eye lids one night. Guess that was my intuition finally clocking back in for its shift.

The word I see is acceptance.

It doesn’t make sense to me at first so I disregard it only to feel  aware of one main principle that I promised myself to never ignore: respect your urges (in this case the urge is to pay attention to what my gut is trying to tell me)

I keep thinking about this word. It interests me now.

Acceptance? Hmmmm (my eyes keep shifting while squinting from one point of the room to the next) I see - feeling stuck, dull, or truly uninspired is okay! It doesn’t really matter! I realized I need to accept that about this time and this space right now and that when it is time to be filled with what I need to speak or write it will come. It will be there. Growing to learn that staying an open vessel for the good and the bad things in life is the best thing you could ever do because it opens you up and teaches you who you are. I have to be susceptible to things that I don’t like, the things that I do, the things that I don’t condone, the things that I do, dark feelings, happy feelings, feelings of regret, feelings of no regret, remorse, confusion, guilt, defeat, joy, happiness, hope, any of that, and all of that I have to be susceptible to as a writer because it gives me that voice. My truth in that moment, if I accept it instead of fight it, will help me understand it, which will entice me to write on it, thus enabling me to speak to someone else’s heart or situation. It’s sort of my duty to go through it and then try to accept it. One must have a third eye maybe even a forth when going through things and having to make certain decisions – I can’t say “oh I shouldn’t have made that decision” because I will be subjecting myself to shutting a part of me down that should be wide open. Now that I have made that decision there will be this urge to capture it on paper. It is my duty as writer. I have to go with it.  

Something else heavily dawns on me after figuring this much out, and that is that this word doesn’t just apply to your self assessment it applies to those around you as well. All most people want is for you to see what they see in themselves, for you to hear what they hear when they are talking, for you to get what they mean the first time, for you to accept them. The disappointing nature they may have accidentally or on purpose, the fact that they’re always late, or they’re nature to tell you up to just about everything but not everything. Whether they’re always asking questions, or always upbeat, whether they’re super optimistic or super pessimistic or always have to be the life of the party. Let them be them, why can’t we just accept? Accept, love, encourage more of themselves, and ungrudgingly, without judgment, watch them live their lives and smile. How beautiful they are. How happy we are that they’re alive, that they exist. Here, whether people will ever see or not, for a significant reason.

One can only hope you will at least accept that.