Insanity

She darts to the bathroom knocking everything down in her way. By everything it’s meant – she knocks down pictures, guests that happen to stop by for her good friend for a brief moment and anything that can’t withstand the inertia of high velocity wind or the trembling and rumbling effect of a heavy foot. The bathroom is right around the corner from the room that she is in and she leaps into it like the ground she is dashing on is covered with lava, “FINALLY, the bathroom!” She gets to the bathroom, annoyingly flips the light switch on, unapologetically swings the door wide open, and leaves it open - no time to close it. She violently tosses the magazine full of cannabis that is lying on top of the toilet seat cover on the floor, rushes to get her belt off, and panics to get her pants down. Her right hand is in charge of making sure she gets her pants all the way down while her left hand cares more about making sure the toilet seat cover is up. Her whole body is aching and squirming at this point. There is even a little bit of urine starting to slowly streamline down her thigh like a tear you finally have to let go after fighting it back for so long. She hesitates no longer, swivels around, deeply exhales, and plops down on the toilet – using time and space breaking speeds. She lets out a long and alleviating sigh and the tension in her shoulders abates. Her entire body relaxes – from her posture to her toes; she slumps over in satisfaction, “Ahhhhhhhhh, yeeesss.”

She finishes pissing and looks around for some toilet paper. She looks and looks and looks…and looks, “Wow, there's no toilet paper, again." She smacks her lips with disgust and tries to find the next best thing to use. Her eyes scour the bathroom for something, anything. She comes across the trash can. She looks in the trash, inhales, and sinks into what almost feels like defeat, “this can’t be my last option, please, no.” She takes a beat and then grabs what looks like tissue that someone definitely tried to get every last bit of their nose on. She looks at herself in the mirror, scrunches her nose grotesquely, chuckles at her life in the moment, and proceeds. She stares at the piece of tissue, shakes her head very slowly, closes her eyes in shame, and wipes herself with this thing she found out of the trash. Too proud to drip dry – she’d rather trash dig. She sticks her tongue out, cringes, gets dry, throws it back in the trash, flushes the toilet, and washes her hands. While washing her hands she glances at herself one more time in the mirror, feeling somewhat proud because it's over and she made a way for herself, but weird because that just happened, and thinks, “They’re going to know I couldn’t have wiped myself. They’re going to wonder how I did or if I did. They’re going to know and wonder because they never have tissue here.”

And it repeats.

Cringes

“I’m up to my ears in unwritten words” – J.D Salinger

It is definitely difficult to go deep down and produce something that makes sense and put it on the page, but I must, I have to literally make myself bleed words of encouragement and intentionally infect you with a different type of stimulation, one that you may not be used to. Creating a voice that will perpetuate imaginative assimilation, or create some sort of euphoric mental escape is my strange vision.

Assimilating the enveloping nature of wild imagination sounds and feels more mentally pleasing and refreshing to me instead of agreeing to digest more of what is and has already been fed to me. My mind always gets away from me, as I think about things that seem mentally impossible and socially unacceptable. However, if I just let it out, discuss it with you, and empower you to think outside of your box, then that can mean something and release something in you that needed to be released as you guide your eyes through the words on this page. If only I could stop letting these soul binding thoughts linger in my head and actually get them out exactly the way I think about them I could be that much more fluid and effective. Articulating exactly what you envision is what I consider the mark of genius, what I consider orgasmic, tantalizing, and can always leave you in an all encompassing, circumventing awe. I wish I could do that. As I think I must remind myself, “wisely prune your own imagination,” and please write it down.

“You’ve got to stop learning how to state the obvious.”- J.D. Salinger

Being myself needs to strategically breed an evolution of unchaining in you; me being me I hope stirs up the inclination of release in you. Don’t you see I have to do this for you? I have to be me for you, not just for me; as I free myself that energy involuntarily frees you. 

With that said, it is hard not to state the obvious sometimes. Read this, watch this, eat this, meditate about this, instructions on top of obvious instructions. When people start listening to you it is humbling and a grave responsibility. It sort of causes a certain type of dependency. For conversational purposes and less more so for instructional purposes, I don’t want you to depend on me I want you to depend on you and my words only to spark what you have had in you all along.

Why don’t you see what you have in you? Or do you? Have you yet? Can you see it? I want to help spark that tiny little flick of light in you, just a flick, it is indeed there; a miniscule gleam of some sort. That is all you really need before that little light inside of you consumes you; engulfs you. Become aware of certain dependence on external things and how quickly you react to the external things in your life, maybe it is your circumstances, your job, or maybe a relationship – how quickly you react emotionally and then physically to these things.

Without that dependence you will be able to soar with or without other people’s words, other people’s encouragement, and other people’s thoughts. Figure out things for yourself, learn on your own and develop an all encompassing originality about yourself. This will give you the freedom to make you discover deeper ways to think and exist; you will not then speak the obvious, you won’t know how to. Cleverness and uniqueness instead will come natural to you; a wiser mind indeed.

“Each of us faces life with an undeveloped psyche.” – U.S. Andersen

Talking to myself raises my level of consciousness. What makes what? Who makes who? Why do someone else’s thoughts of you create or solidify the measure of who you are or the measure of what you are? Why don’t your own thoughts create that? Why don’t you measure you? This reminds me of another quote, “knowledge illuminates.”

Our minds are undeveloped? What does that mean? I can tell you something towards that. It may not be the answer for you but I can tell you something. The social beliefs that are engrained in our minds, how you are brought into this world, how your parents raise you, and how you are treated as an adult, are a start. There are many layers as to why this is, but negative thinking, emotionally thinking, linear thinking, contributes to this phenomena.  

Lately I do not really know how to feel, and the more you are aware of who you are the more you see certain inconsistencies and imperfections. It is sort of confusing and headache inducing. When I come to the understanding, however, that I really am not using my mind to its fullest potential and I am just letting my ego, emotions, and external stimuli guide me through my life I see that I could be maximizing so much more out of the world. You sort of have to let your mind go where it wants to go to develop it.

“To be self-conscious is to be fearful and restricted. "– U.S. Andersen

Being considerate of your ego and having a sense of self will bind you in fear and tension during the simplest of tasks. Cringing the thought of being relaxed and loosely moving forward as you would if you did not think about your "I" so much is very apparent in you, in all of us, and even in the tiniest of creatures:

The centipede was happy quite

Until a toad in fun

Said, “Pray, which leg goes after which?”

That worked her mind to such a pitch,

She lay distracted in a ditch,

Considering how to run.

                                                                         - Mrs. Edward Craster

Why do we care so much about what people think about us or say to us, which in turn develops doubt and a weak mind, feeble character, and an unstable existence. Why are we so self- conscious and fear the thought of truly acting and being ourselves? 

The point of it all is this: in all that you cringe, you must have courage.

Have the courage to imagine. Have the courage to unlearn what you’ve been taught or keep what you have learned and explore other things. Have the courage to write the unwritten, be unique, explore and develop your psyche, and the courage to not be so self-conscious. Hone your craft as well, if the inconsistency of your output stems from the fact that you have no real knowledge of your craft. This is easy to fix. Be patient with yourself and slowly and surely start collecting knowledge on your craft.

Step boldly, do it anyway, and always take this quote with you, “the individual performing under universal will is irresistible, doing something that must be done.”