Again, Who Am I Kidding?

I have respect for your time so I’ll make it quick.

It’s strange. The more I create and try to follow my dreams the more I sense this imaginary person sitting next to me giving me the side eye. What is that about? Oh great – it’s not enough that folks who physically exist give me the side eye, but now my hyperactive imagination wants a piece of the pie too – son of a b****. I wake up, get the courage to do and grow, and each bold step I take somehow only comes off as this risky, stupid, ugly business that is only ruining my reputation as a competent human being.  I love it.

Is it just me or does walking this nonlinear line we call life everyday sometimes have you feeling like you want to brush your face and wash your teeth in the morning instead? Oh it does? Good! That’s right – we’re all f***** up. However, I have a solution to this. After all, “I’ve observed that life never presents us with an unsolvable problem. The solution may humble us or require us to do things that we’ve never done before, but there is always a solution.” – Psychology of Wealth

All of the ups and downs and ins and outs I have should be charged to the game. I’m going to charge each and every hour to the damn game – my hours of mastery that is. I read that it takes 10,000 hours to master something (go look it up lazy pants!) So for me it doesn’t matter; a book read, a word spoken, a sentence written, or a conversation had – I’m charging it. As I jam Kendrick Lamar, hoist my little sails, eat my oreos, and start moving forward through these turbulent, uncharted territories I will try to remember these words:

“You don’t have to be afraid to take a risk. You just have to be prepared to do the work.” – Psychology of Wealth

“You have to just march into your fear. Oh-well, everyday just march on in there.” – The War of Art

“There are no accidents; there is only some purpose that we haven’t yet understood.” – The Psychology of Wealth

“Your work will inevitably be the timeless communicating to the time bound” – The War of Art. It is fundamental that you continue to be authentic, vulnerable, and courageous for this reason because the cycle must redeem itself and continue.

…And now I’m just writing a bunch of quotes. I should have started a quote blog not a blog for creative thoughts. Nonetheless, consciously invest in yourself no matter how you are perceived by others, no matter how bleak it may seem, no matter what look the imaginary bum is giving you, and no matter the circumstances. 70 % or more of our thoughts are negative and redundant. Be audacious for change. Start mastering.  

Sticky Notes

Just after getting home from work I think:

I just wrote another to-do list today. This one is 10 items long instead of 20. I’m going to count this as a win, and I take progress anywhere I can get it. Am I going to complete any items on the list? Hmmm, I don’t know, but that makes me want to start another list entitled, “Okay this really needs to get done, like, forreal.” My other to-do lists? Oh they’re around here somewhere. One is stuck to my butt right now because I just sat on it, one is in my car, some are at my job, and others are in my Wunderlist (great app) on my phone. Wait a minute, ah! Yes, I have some in my Evernote (also an app) as well. I’m drowning in to-do lists. This is insane and it doesn’t stop. I have a to-do list for my to-do list. I have one I wrote yesterday, folded up, and shoved in my purse thinking that if I shove it in my purse I’ll do it; I mean it’s in my purse. And the many calendars I have!? Oh the calleennddarss. There are the digital calendars and paper calendars because you need both. I use these lists and calendars to map out the hours I spend thinking about writing but not actually writing. Yes, this is fantastic. Don’t actually write but imagine writing, map out writing, write down that I need to write about writing – genius. Can’t tell you how far that has gotten me. After I spend most of the week giving myself a hard time, I sort of sway back and forth between wisdom and curiosity to cope. For example, there is a reason why certain things are repeated, like you know, “never give up” or “read” or “push through don’t let fear stop you.” Crazy cliché and it’s because when you do these things and it completely changes your life for the better, or you experience the type of growth that you never thought you could, you’ll want to preach it too. You have now reaped the rewards of the inevitable and the clever cycle repeats itself.

While standing there brushing my teeth I think:

You know maybe it does take me forever to get ready. I am slow and it’s time to embrace the slug in me. There are reasons, however. Probably reasons I should improve, but reasons nonetheless. I do all this stuff in the midst of getting ready before I go anywhere. So it’s not just getting ready aesthetically speaking. I get ready mentally speaking too. Like today I just did two audio notes (it’s where you pause, whip out your voice recorder on your phone and talk to yourself, or rather into the microphone with something you think is profound, but eh it’s pretty 1+1=2 you know, real basic, real stupid shit), then I wipe my face down with an alcohol pad, and I think of something else to say, something else to write, I don’t know I just think of something else. Everything on any to-do list randomly pops into my brain when I need to get ready. This is the kind of stuff (getting ready too slow) that will guarantee someone for a life of pills, wine, and forever making excuses as to why they’re either always late or never getting anything worthwhile done – oops I forgot straight-jackets (if you would kindly insert straight-jackets after "wine, and..." in your head please, thanks, I'm too lazy to write it for you and would rather type it out.)

While reading The Alchemist (by Paulo Coelho) I think:

Wow this shepherd boy (Santiago) is smart and witty! I love this guy! Sounds like a character I can create. Understanding how he looks at the world, how he observes the people around him, his sheep, his family, and the omens he is told about is fascinating and he gives us an interesting holistic view. The boy travels because that’s what he believes is his Personal Legend and he starts noticing and perceiving  things in a different light once his environment changes. He detects a certain bird that flies around when a snake is near. He becomes aware of certain stars, certain changes in the pattern of the wind when he needs direction, etc. Things he wouldn’t have seen otherwise if he didn’t start paying attention. The book talks about figuring out what a personal calling is and how there are four obstacles on having the courage to confront your dream, “First: we are told from childhood onward that everything we want to do is impossible. We grow up with this idea, and as the years accumulate, so too do the layers of prejudice, fear, and guilt. There comes a time when our personal calling is so deeply buried in our soul as to be invisible. But it’s still there. If we have the courage to disinter dream, we are then faced by the second obstacle: love. We know what we want to do, but are afraid of hurting those around us by abandoning everything in order to pursue our dream. Once we have accepted that love is a stimulus, we come up against the third obstacle: fear of the defeats we will meet on the path.” Lastly, the fourth obstacle: the one that is the hardest of them all, and the obstacle that you’ll have to read on your own one day.

Pull out your pen, grab a sticky note, and put it on your to-do list.

Success is What You Make It

What’s the difference between your struggle and mine? Yours is greater? No mine is. Who is to say what constitutes the hierarchy? What are the requirements for, “yours is greater than mine?” If one does really feel one’s fight is greater than the other, speak up. Tell me why, why is it greater? Yes! Go on, tell me why, I will listen.

What I’ve come to realize specifically, is that your struggle in life and my struggle in life are the same. Our life’s struggle boils down to similar properties, similar motives, and similar universal themes. We are not so different. This matters because although we are not so different, I find it hard to understand other people sometimes, for reasons short lived, however the questions remain, “Wow! What conviction and stamina how do they steadfast, what do they see that I don’t that landed them in the struggle upon them, or lastly, what did they miss that I didn’t miss that landed me in mine?”

No matter the circumstance, we are all living to die. Toiling becomes, boring, predictable, and agonizing because we are aware of the outcome; inescapably so, you will be amidst tough times one way or another. It is safe to say you are here to see what you can make out of yourself, out of your family, out of your struggle; to see if what you have been given to face your path will be used accordingly. In your own way you face your very own big or small unique battle and so do I. I would like mine to inspire yours and yours mine. This is how we will make it through; this is how our struggle will become worth it, manageable, attainable; inspiration.

It can be death gripping, it can be transcending. The formula for recreating this feeling should be heavily spread across all daily spectrum and once recreated orally ingested. As I lounge here typing, listening to Tycho:

http://youtu.be/Z6ih1aKeETk  

I can’t help but to be in awe of the indescribable feeling even this is giving me; permission to drift and perceive thoughts in a different way, maybe a more clear way so that I can intuitively and fiercely face my minute, hour, or day with confidence. Inspiration is very spiritual like. I believe this because you literally can get it from anywhere at any time; considerably omnipotent. There is a quick surge of depth and empathy that rushes through your brain and body; heaven sent. It is all of a sudden a third eye, it is mind boggling. Imagine walking around your entire life with the facade of having power, believing you actually have real power and you really don’t have the slightest inkling of the real thing, real power, and then, unexpectedly, one day, out of nowhere, you get hit with an extreme dose of it; one day out of nowhere you feel a jolt. One day out of nowhere you for the first time actually experience real power. Fat tears stream down your face, you don’t blink, in fact you don’t blink for so long that your eyes burn from the dryness, your mouth drops as wide as it has ever been, and it too dries up, none of which you can actually feel. All you feel is real power. All you feel is transcending.

And to think that explanation of the feeling would help but it doesn’t so bear with me…

Breath taking, charges of intense emotions, tingling sensations, you were once moving but now you are at a standstill; you are in deep thought; you are inspired. This feeling is somewhat a bit of a drug, an irresistible lure that sucks you in more than real love does. The experience is so potent that it forces you to recreate it; it forces you to act, move, do, and be more of who you are supposed to be, face your path fearlessly.

I have dreams that we will have to stand in line to get it, but in reality we don't, in reality we are the same. As I wake up day to day to face daily routine, daily responsibilities, to face my daily significant struggle, I remember that you are facing your very own big or small unique battle as well. I would like mine to inspire yours and yours mine. This is how we will make it through; this is how our struggle will become worth it, manageable, attainable.

Inspiration.

The Script

Most of my “would be scripts” I just end up turning into a blog. I start off with a really good thought, and then it’s, “Eh, this will be better for the people right now.” Ironically, however, I am having a hard time with “…the people right now” part. As of lately, when most people look into my eyes I can feel a sense of unease about them.

Rightfully so, as we talk to each other my stare is at its lowest, my eyes are hazy and glassy, and I am unfocused seemingly; uncertain if it is apathy or if I am just so far out of my comfort zone these days that I quite possibly may not be myself; I feel like I am literally not really in the body the person I am talking to is looking at. Do you ever feel like that? Do you ever undergo so much change in such a short period of time that it makes your eyes gloss over and you do not absorb the moment as you talk to people?

The experience is uncontrollably blatant and zombie like; visibly showcasing my detachment; there is no true connection in the conversation; hence, the reciprocates  unease. Therefore the “…this will be better for” part needs reevaluation. How does one really know what is better for someone anyway. I will say instead, this will be better for my own personal insight; the “would be script” that just ends up turning into a blog is for my own personal therapy.

I am constantly thinking about the people but sometimes find it hard to be among the people. So I start to second guess my desire, “Well this does not make sense. If at times I cannot be among people then who am I doing this for? Why am I doing this?” I get in my car one day after work and start talking to myself mentally while in complete silence; going over and over the “who” and “why”. I stop at an intersection and I am the first one at the red light. I start watching something in the distance very distinctly:

Two young boys under the age of 10 years old it looks like, with uniforms on, and backpacks over their shoulders are at the busy intersection after school. One is pushing on the button in the middle of the street pole to change the light while the other is carelessly and slowly inching towards the edge of the sidewalk where oncoming traffic is unforgiving and upon them. The smaller one, the one who is also mashing the button for the light to turn red, out of the corner of his eye notices the other kid swaying towards the edge of the sidewalk. With less than a tip toe left until he is into the street the smaller kid instinctively and calmly takes his left hand and gently lays it on the other kid’s chest, and guides the other kid by the chest closer to the pole and off of the edge. The kid that was once on the edge appears to think nothing of it.

As I see this subtle act of valor by this young boy I think about how pure, clean, and uncut instincts are; how certain instillation of greatness within us will become us, how the smaller young boy must have to do that all the time with his buddy, and most importantly how no matter what, people/things will end up where they should be to keep us going. Actively noticing and paying attention to your surroundings can presently clarify things for you. It is odd; very odd how that works. In an extreme way, it is as if we all have supernatural powers. It is as if we all have a sixth sense. We do. Most people, however, do not tap into their power and do not care to. There is no noticing; there is no paying attention.

Watching that scene between these two boys inadvertently gives me my “who” and “why” back. Making things make sense again; simply by observing.

Instances like this give me zest. Zest, meaning: You ever get that temporary feeling of total fulfillment in one moment? One moment indulgently gives you pure, silky joy? Maybe it is the moment you are cruising, with heightened senses, around the city; listening to music and every stanza is so pivotal; so memorable; so relate-able. Or, maybe it is the moment you think back over your past and see flashbacks of posted notes that say, “Last call for…” deadlines or flashbacks of bulletin boards with clutters of to-do lists and checklists; you honestly can remember nothing but goals, goals, goals. Then you snap out of your memory, refocus your eyes, look up at yourself and see progression; accomplishment; the result of taking things a little at a time and doing what you felt like doing.

As the light turns green I shout in my head, “Yes! I see now! The 'who' is myself and the 'why' is because it makes me happy.” This is how I perceive it nonetheless.

Do not give up on your desire (dreams) or even try to make it make sense. You will get there and it will make sense, with little doses of zest along the way. For the ones who do not really care to understand this or for those who do not really care to tap into their sixth sense I will leave you with some food for thought. Aristotle says plot determines character but I believe the character (who you are) determines the plot (what you plan on accomplishing).

In the script world, having a characterless and plot-less story is meaningless and there is no fulfillment. In this world, having a characterless and plot-less story is meaningless and there is no fulfillment. Embrace yourself. Not observing or absorbing is detrimental, and being a people-pleaser is rough - you will end up with no character or no real direction. So let what enlightens you be the difference between you feeling dead or alive, and the difference between you figuring out the “who” and “why”.

Sometimes you find your own truth when you don't stick to the script. 

Any Good News?

My daily habit?

Thumbing through.

My daily question?

Where is the good news?

No really where is the good news?

Where is it?!

As I thumb through the electronic news, among other things, I see informative yet ever so gloomy, slanted, and distorted stories/images; it’s damn near depressing. Someone, something, needs to change this; where what you sift through, the images and words that are shown to you make you better.

Business Insider, The Wall Street Journal, New York Times, CNN, and a multitude of media sound bites flood minds with just, not so good news more often than not. I guess it is safe to say there should be a safe haven someone in this world could go to that gives hope, heals, inspires, mends, and encourages their mind; plant a conscious seed; a revolution.

Sensationalism sells, works, and has been at the forefront of any type of entertainment for, well anyone know a guy named William Randolph Hearst? If not, let’s just say sensationalism and biased views have been around for some time now. Notably so, good sells too. Very well; there is a reason why certain shows, ads, stories, movies, messages that appeal to the natural sense and thirst for feeling good and feeling whole are so much more memorable than others. The push, despite the resistance a positive concept is up against, the positive creativity, and sheer persistence entitled does have a greater impact on you. In fact, hope and love (the good stuff) are unfailingly the most powerful intangibles ever known.

“Yea, but whether toxic or harmless, as long as it is original, different, and your attention is caught”; I get it, whatever yanks you yanks you. Sure…

But for the sake of concern can I challenge you?

I need to challenge you, the nonchalant in you. What is out there that is actually feeding your subconscious with good news? What is out there that is restructuring your thoughts for the sole purpose of enriching the soul. More of this information should be what is being thumbed through.  

Ha! If only all that streams along is noteworthy. It almost takes the trite seemingly unimportant catch phrase, “You need a light?” to another level.

I guess “good” is one’s own definition; it all falls back on you one could say. Maybe, but with careful thought on this topic, it makes me want to dive into an ongoing and connecting topic that keeps crossing through my everyday life: Traditionalists vs. progressives. The age old versus; it is the very essence of what has us in this very time and space. With this comes a creative light and creative sense. What has been done and what will be done must be different. Tapping into a place that gives someone hope, breeds infinite happiness, and bleeds a rich feeling of goodness. We must get there as we move out of the tradition of the now.

What makes you stick to tradition traditionalist? Does it keep you safe? Is it because you are addicted to already knowing the outcome? “I’m going to stick to what works because everyone before me did and they turned out ‘right’?” – Is this you? It was sort of me at one point in time. Until, well, until that got boring, until what I saw and heard was negative and predictable, until I went insane.

Until there was no more good news.

Yes, oh yes the strong hold of tradition. It sort of scars you, tradition does. You become two dimensional eventually; it is tough to grow through tradition.

How do you soar progressives? Is it because you do not wait for a “soon” or “in time” moment? Do you make your “then” a “now”? I might ask what is it that does not stop you as oppose to a traditionalist who I might ask what is it that does stop you? Do you ever think twice about the next step? Do you ever get exhausted with the ever moving ever changing goals/feats you feel you must constantly reach? Progressives are creative traditionally. Go figure. How does one even know or understand if they are/can be creative or not? How is one capable of recognizing, absorbing, and creating good news?

Through my readings I have come across a couple of questions that may help you figure this out. Take your time, be honest, and ask this of yourself:

“Are you suddenly full of ideas, or suddenly without an idea at all? What might cause a sudden spurt of creativity, or a long period of drought? What in particular was going on in your life that you may have been unaware of at the time but in retrospect was highly important in your creative effort? When do you consider the work ‘finished’? When your work is ‘finished,’ do you feel finished with it? How do you feel at the end of the day? Are you most productive when you are feeling happy? Do you suffer if you are not?”(Creators on Creating: Awakening and Cultivating the Imaginative Mind, Federico Fellini)

Here.

Let this be your good news. Or better yet, let this be yours, your little piece of light; something that is telling you, “hey, I understand and this will help with your fight against that sinking aura, the utter frustration in what you see every day.”

When you are thumbing through the electronic news, social timelines, your phone and you, for the life of you, cannot shake that solitude; you cannot shake that headache, that uncomfortable web, that pure feeling of not so goodness, know that somewhere out there is something that can inspire you for the better. I’m no Shakespeare (what a genius I might add) but I am sure he too wanted and needed to be the change he wanted and needed to see; a progressive.