Expectations

I don’t even know why I bother. I can’t seem to deprogram myself. I keep expecting things and then I quickly remember that that’s a no-no. I shouldn’t expect things from people because I wouldn’t want anyone to expect anything from me. In fact, I don’t want anyone expecting anything from me unless you employ me and I signed some sort of contract. Now we are both in compliance and both should understand what is expected of me.

However, with no hint of a sealed fate, I can’t say I’ll do it. I basically want to be treated the way I treat others. Is that a crime? Probably, this is America and people will find a way to stone you and justify the crusade against you if something you do offends them. Expectations have been the death of me lately because I keep slipping back into that frame of mind. I blame all of my problems on social learning. This fucking society and having to learn about it has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

I hate the codes we live by and the guilt trips I get anytime I go against the grain. I hate the fact that you’ll burn more bridges or burn in hell (there’s always burning in hell) just by being misunderstood.  I get swept up into the trap of our oh-so honorable system of expectations that I’m constantly disappointed in others and myself (the shame! the horrrooooorrr!) Then I snap out of it and remember to just, “stop with the expectations and shit,” – Unknown.

It’s all a set up. Having expectations is a set up for a miserable, depressing, face full of tears life. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. It’s a trap. Okay, great, hold people accountable. Accountability:  prove to me you’re serious about whatever it is that is expected of you, prove to me your love, prove to me you care, prove to me you’ll be there, prove to me so I can prove to you what can prove to me– accountability. Listen, where is the contract, where is the compensation, where is the meaning of it all because that’s what this country has conditioned me to think about – the money and motive.

Is it the integrity part? Is that what is trying to be upheld here?  Well what if, just what if, without assuming those things still won’t be in tact despite me not meeting expectations I did still uphold the integrity. I guess it’s because I’m so cool about it and understand the ridiculousness of its extremity. In fact, sometimes I come off as meek and docile when really it’s the depth of my understanding of a lot of things that put me on the offense.

Once you understand something it isn’t a problem. Problems come by way of not understanding. I do. That reflects in the way I handle things and my character. I can’t ask for someone to be like me. I can only explain where I’m coming from and hope to be understood. No more getting pumped up to be let down. If I want to do something I will. If I don’t want to I won’t. That should go the same for those around me. That’s how anyone can truly be themselves honestly and openly and not be condemned for it.

Without expectations no one would do anything? Is that what you’re asking me? I don’t know. We haven’t gotten that far as a people consciously to truly really know. Without accountability no one will do anything? Is that what you think? I don’t know. We may never know. No one is forgiving enough, patient enough. Everything in the world depends on the absence and presence of something to validate its existence. We increase or decrease our value to others in this respect. It’s a science. My advice is to find something that makes you laugh, grab your favorite book, and live. 

Again, Who Am I Kidding?

I have respect for your time so I’ll make it quick.

It’s strange. The more I create and try to follow my dreams the more I sense this imaginary person sitting next to me giving me the side eye. What is that about? Oh great – it’s not enough that folks who physically exist give me the side eye, but now my hyperactive imagination wants a piece of the pie too – son of a b****. I wake up, get the courage to do and grow, and each bold step I take somehow only comes off as this risky, stupid, ugly business that is only ruining my reputation as a competent human being.  I love it.

Is it just me or does walking this nonlinear line we call life everyday sometimes have you feeling like you want to brush your face and wash your teeth in the morning instead? Oh it does? Good! That’s right – we’re all f***** up. However, I have a solution to this. After all, “I’ve observed that life never presents us with an unsolvable problem. The solution may humble us or require us to do things that we’ve never done before, but there is always a solution.” – Psychology of Wealth

All of the ups and downs and ins and outs I have should be charged to the game. I’m going to charge each and every hour to the damn game – my hours of mastery that is. I read that it takes 10,000 hours to master something (go look it up lazy pants!) So for me it doesn’t matter; a book read, a word spoken, a sentence written, or a conversation had – I’m charging it. As I jam Kendrick Lamar, hoist my little sails, eat my oreos, and start moving forward through these turbulent, uncharted territories I will try to remember these words:

“You don’t have to be afraid to take a risk. You just have to be prepared to do the work.” – Psychology of Wealth

“You have to just march into your fear. Oh-well, everyday just march on in there.” – The War of Art

“There are no accidents; there is only some purpose that we haven’t yet understood.” – The Psychology of Wealth

“Your work will inevitably be the timeless communicating to the time bound” – The War of Art. It is fundamental that you continue to be authentic, vulnerable, and courageous for this reason because the cycle must redeem itself and continue.

…And now I’m just writing a bunch of quotes. I should have started a quote blog not a blog for creative thoughts. Nonetheless, consciously invest in yourself no matter how you are perceived by others, no matter how bleak it may seem, no matter what look the imaginary bum is giving you, and no matter the circumstances. 70 % or more of our thoughts are negative and redundant. Be audacious for change. Start mastering.  

Enough

You don’t show it. You don’t do it. You don’t see them. You don’t see him. You don’t see her. You don’t say it. You don’t call. You don’t speak up. You don’t preach it. You don’t teach it. You don’t play it. You don’t ask it. You don’t read it. You don’t practice it. You don’t watch it. You don’t wear it. You don’t have it. You don’t make it. You don’t use it. You don’t write it. You aren’t doing.

Where's the list of what I’ve done. What I do. Where’s that list? Where’s the list of how I’ve been and what I’ve said. When I’ve showed it and when I saw? When I spoke up and when I preached? When I taught and when I read? When I practiced and when I played? When I watched and when I made? When I helped and when I shared? When I wore it and when I had it? When I used it and when I called? When I wrote? What I did do?

No one lives for the positive moments. No one even lives for the moment. We are too busy worrying about the lack there of; the times when something didn't happen instead of the times something did. Instead of holding onto that moment and letting that be the classic standard and overriding thought, instead of realizing that that good moment did happen, we revel in disparaging thoughts of things we feel are not enough. As supreme beings, we think very limited and we shouldn't - we are SUPREME. Unfortunately, we are supreme beings with no idea how to unlock the true, raw, and real potential in ourselves. We conceptualize the negative. We conceptualize the very opposite of what we are supposed to live for: greatness. When you start to openly magnify small instances of love and appreciation as they come forth spontaneously I believe that is when you truly do understand more than just the basics; when you truly do understand that it is enough.

"His insight refines him." - Ralph Waldo Emerson. 

 

It's Sort of Magic Really

Job 5:19

What is my strength so that I should wait?

And what is my end, that I should be patient?

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After taking a swig of water from my glass bottle I place it gently back on the table I’m working on, and sink a little further into my chair. As I sit here listening to a music artist named Common through my sleek ear buds that I have to constantly readjust in my ear, I can’t help but stare at the hobo across the street. Oh great, herein lies the beginning of this afternoon’s many distractions. It’s so hot and steamy out right now that the droplets of sweat creeping down my back are truly just getting started I’m sure. This is all worth it though. Getting fresh air outside of my favorite coffee shop is a viable alternative compared to eating fruit snacks and sitting in the bed trying to do work while dozing off every 15 minutes. I realize how comfortable I feel in this environment. The occasional cool breeze feels good on my skin, this oak tree above me is the biggest natural umbrella I have ever seen, and I could not be more content than I am right now because I am home. I am in a space I am used to that speaks to me. A space that makes me feel more of who I am which breeds implicit greatness. I think anyway.

I stare at the grass to the left of me and then back at the glass bottle on the table.

After staring I somehow muster up the strength to criticize my own work again: the stuff I write is boring. It’s the same stuff said in different ways. I am so sick of realizing that and coming to that inevitable conclusion. What is it going to take? A new wine? A nasty fight? A car accident? Great food? A good movie? Starting a family! What!?

The saxophones in this song are so soothing. It is literally massaging my brain. I stare again at the glass bottle.

To spice things up I want to take something simple like a regular day, a regular hour, a regular moment, or a regular thought and expand on it. Elaborate it a little but keep the essence of it there and capture the feeling of it so that there is a universal connection. Oh that’s been done before? Typical? No shit Sherlock? Fine, I don’t really have an angle or a gimmick or something unique to tell these days really. This cookie cutter thing is just not working for me and by “cookie cutter thing” I mean the way I am supposed to tell a story – how if I tell it the way I am “supposed” to tell it, it will make sense to you. The truth is nothing makes sense. LIFE DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. The moment it all finally comes full circle or tenfold you’re dead, let’s just be honest. So why, why I am forced to tell stories that should make sense? That couldn’t be further from the truth. It should be unethical really, and we’ve been told all of our lives that there is a linear way to say things, a certain way everything should eventually come across. Anne Lamott wrote, “Rationality squeezes out much that is rich and juicy and fascinating.” Thank you Anne – sheesh!

I readjust my headphones again and stare at the glass bottle on the table.

I read that identifying with others helps you better identify with yourself. I agree with that truly and I can comfortably make this statement because the more I read and listen to the voice of a lot of these authors that started out similarly, they either push me closer to who I am, validate who I am, or validate who or what I’m not and this is nothing short of genius.

“Writing is about hypnotizing yourself into believing in yourself, getting some work done, then unhypnotizing yourself and going over the material coldly.” – Anne Lamott

What’s a good spot for you these days that puts you in your element, makes you comfortable as if you could stay there all day, and lets you really get a chance to think about your life, work, and dreams? What about a place that will help make you produce your best work? A good way to figure things out for yourself, whether it is to try to push out something great within you, to make things make sense, to second guess things, or whether it is trying to identify with others, is to ask questions – sort of like Job did. Go to whatever place that is home for you, relax, and ask what your heart desires, reflect, see what speaks to you, and go forward from there. Maybe drink some water from a glass bottle while you’re at it – a glass bottle you can stare at helps.

The Script

Most of my “would be scripts” I just end up turning into a blog. I start off with a really good thought, and then it’s, “Eh, this will be better for the people right now.” Ironically, however, I am having a hard time with “…the people right now” part. As of lately, when most people look into my eyes I can feel a sense of unease about them.

Rightfully so, as we talk to each other my stare is at its lowest, my eyes are hazy and glassy, and I am unfocused seemingly; uncertain if it is apathy or if I am just so far out of my comfort zone these days that I quite possibly may not be myself; I feel like I am literally not really in the body the person I am talking to is looking at. Do you ever feel like that? Do you ever undergo so much change in such a short period of time that it makes your eyes gloss over and you do not absorb the moment as you talk to people?

The experience is uncontrollably blatant and zombie like; visibly showcasing my detachment; there is no true connection in the conversation; hence, the reciprocates  unease. Therefore the “…this will be better for” part needs reevaluation. How does one really know what is better for someone anyway. I will say instead, this will be better for my own personal insight; the “would be script” that just ends up turning into a blog is for my own personal therapy.

I am constantly thinking about the people but sometimes find it hard to be among the people. So I start to second guess my desire, “Well this does not make sense. If at times I cannot be among people then who am I doing this for? Why am I doing this?” I get in my car one day after work and start talking to myself mentally while in complete silence; going over and over the “who” and “why”. I stop at an intersection and I am the first one at the red light. I start watching something in the distance very distinctly:

Two young boys under the age of 10 years old it looks like, with uniforms on, and backpacks over their shoulders are at the busy intersection after school. One is pushing on the button in the middle of the street pole to change the light while the other is carelessly and slowly inching towards the edge of the sidewalk where oncoming traffic is unforgiving and upon them. The smaller one, the one who is also mashing the button for the light to turn red, out of the corner of his eye notices the other kid swaying towards the edge of the sidewalk. With less than a tip toe left until he is into the street the smaller kid instinctively and calmly takes his left hand and gently lays it on the other kid’s chest, and guides the other kid by the chest closer to the pole and off of the edge. The kid that was once on the edge appears to think nothing of it.

As I see this subtle act of valor by this young boy I think about how pure, clean, and uncut instincts are; how certain instillation of greatness within us will become us, how the smaller young boy must have to do that all the time with his buddy, and most importantly how no matter what, people/things will end up where they should be to keep us going. Actively noticing and paying attention to your surroundings can presently clarify things for you. It is odd; very odd how that works. In an extreme way, it is as if we all have supernatural powers. It is as if we all have a sixth sense. We do. Most people, however, do not tap into their power and do not care to. There is no noticing; there is no paying attention.

Watching that scene between these two boys inadvertently gives me my “who” and “why” back. Making things make sense again; simply by observing.

Instances like this give me zest. Zest, meaning: You ever get that temporary feeling of total fulfillment in one moment? One moment indulgently gives you pure, silky joy? Maybe it is the moment you are cruising, with heightened senses, around the city; listening to music and every stanza is so pivotal; so memorable; so relate-able. Or, maybe it is the moment you think back over your past and see flashbacks of posted notes that say, “Last call for…” deadlines or flashbacks of bulletin boards with clutters of to-do lists and checklists; you honestly can remember nothing but goals, goals, goals. Then you snap out of your memory, refocus your eyes, look up at yourself and see progression; accomplishment; the result of taking things a little at a time and doing what you felt like doing.

As the light turns green I shout in my head, “Yes! I see now! The 'who' is myself and the 'why' is because it makes me happy.” This is how I perceive it nonetheless.

Do not give up on your desire (dreams) or even try to make it make sense. You will get there and it will make sense, with little doses of zest along the way. For the ones who do not really care to understand this or for those who do not really care to tap into their sixth sense I will leave you with some food for thought. Aristotle says plot determines character but I believe the character (who you are) determines the plot (what you plan on accomplishing).

In the script world, having a characterless and plot-less story is meaningless and there is no fulfillment. In this world, having a characterless and plot-less story is meaningless and there is no fulfillment. Embrace yourself. Not observing or absorbing is detrimental, and being a people-pleaser is rough - you will end up with no character or no real direction. So let what enlightens you be the difference between you feeling dead or alive, and the difference between you figuring out the “who” and “why”.

Sometimes you find your own truth when you don't stick to the script.